Poker Face Needed

Here's some free advice for you.

Do not read funny blogs when you are somewhere where sitting and grinning like a cheshire cat isn't really the done thing.

Like church.

Or court.

This man is going to get me sacked because he fully intends to bite Beeyoncee's ass.


BUT WAIT...THERE'S MORE:

I'm not in court now and I'm on a break so technically I can't get sacked for this. Sometimes when you're in court you have to google stuff so you have some idea of what one of the suitclad monkey men are waffling on about and would you believe that one of my favourite blogs came up on the screen?

No? Me neither. I promise it will never happen again.

But seriously, one suited monkey man had been waffling on for so long and it was so B.O.R.I.N.G that I spotted the other suitclad monkeymen watching each others hair grow.

It's Monday; that's my defense.

Life at Feminoz bumbles along.

Noise has gone on a school camp for two nights and three days.

Noise packed his bag all on his own. I didn't even look inside it because, well, I'm a really bad mother who believes it is character building for her offspring to find themselves out in the woods with an assortment of technology and no clean underwear.

Seriously. I have learnt from experience that you can pack a bag full of clean socks, underwear and sleepwear for little boy monkeys when they go on camp and they will come home with a bag full of clean socks, underwear and sleepwear because they just keep getting up and putting the same clothes on anyway.

I checked the bathroom after he had left. His toothbrush was absent as was his hair product(s) so I figure it's all good.

He also took an enormous stash of lollies and other unhealthy foodstuffs with him. If, by some trick of fate he does gets lost in the woods he won't starve or freeze or get bored. He'll be the happy camper under a tree playing Nintendo and snuffling up six months worth of processed, processed and processed again sugar.

I really am hopeless at this parenting gig, you know? I'd like to say my last words to him as he trundled up the drive to the Asshat's car were, "I love you" but... they weren't. They were, and I quote:

"When you are busy rotting away with skin cancer in a few year's time, Noise, remind me once again what makes you so DIFFERENT? MKAY???!!???"

This was because he had told me there was no need to take the sunblock because, hey, he could use someone else's and he doesn't really use it anyway.

So I sms'ed him. (On the crappy phone which he broke everything off because he has taken my not crappy phone - but it's pink Mum!! PINK!! Do you know what happens to a boy when he is forced to use my good PINK phone without everything broken on it?? It will make him gay. It really will.)

I sms'ed him to tell him that I love him, miss him already and will sell him for medical experiments if he comes back sunburnt.

The unflappable Pencils just did her thing, like she always does. Thank you Birthday Fairy for sending me one child who is relatively easygoing. For now.

Okay. Lunch break is over. Blogging burns more calories than eating, you know. Which is good because I suspect I am wobbling more than ever these days when I walk.