Changes.

It's done.
I was interviewed for the new position late Monday afternoon. I was told I had the position after I had left the interview room (with a dry mouth and shaking hands) and before I left the building.

Someone pinch me please.

Warning: The following text contains no masking humour, self-protective denial or glib glossing over. It may contain self doubt, painful insights and hope for what's ahead. It may not contain anything of interest to anyone. It just has to be written so that the author can make some sense of it and put a stop to the emotional roller coaster she had been forcing everyone around her to ride. When the ride has stopped, then those close can make their own decision to get off or stay on.

I gave notice to my now ex-boss on Wednesday (she was not in on Tuesday). I was close to tears as I told her my decision to resign my role with the company and move on along the path I have chosen or feel I have been chosen for. I have really loved where/what I have been doing and I have felt very supported and part of a good team. I have made friends with people in the company and will miss them very much.

But...(and there's always a but!)

About three weeks ago as I was walking in the city to an assignment and I was having that dialogue in my head with myself, (you know what I mean) and, as clear as a bell, I heard:

"It's not enough. Sure, it's safe and secure in a way and you can tell yourself that you are happy and content but you know it's not enough. Soon will come a time when you can no longer deny that."

I listened. Yes, I know it's not enough. But I don't feel brave enough or strong enough to act on it. Yet. I'm tired. I've been putting myself under enormous pressure to lose weight. I've run myself down and found myself in intense emotional states that I have been unable to control. I've caused worry and concern to those around me who have witnessed those states. I don't want to make drastic changes now. It's too hard. Leave me alone.

The next thing I know, several days later, an opportunity presents itself. I'm torn - indecision and self-doubt battle with ambition and hope and a belief that these things that happen to me/you/us are indeed not just random but part of something much bigger.

Sometimes you have to "rock the boat". It seems that we spend our lives protecting ourselves - we don't want to experience pain and most of what we do is motivated by that need to not feel pain. Life is not going to be like that for any of us though. There are times when pain is part of our lives, birth, death and many times in between. Who was it who said that without accepting we must feel pain we cannot feel joy?

So, Monday night my difficult decision was made. Wednesday I had to disclose my decision to the people who deserved to be the first ones to be told. I'd like to say "I had no choice" but I did - we always have choices - and I made it. The next couple of days were a complete mix of virtually every emotion/feeling that I could experience.

I was congratulated. Criticised. Hugged. Made to feel loved. Betrayed. Back-stabbed. I felt the concern and care of some and the jealousy and resentment of others. I wanted to run away and I wanted to stay to the end and "do the right thing". At work, I'm a "people-pleaser". It's a driving need in me to be accepted and approved. Maybe that's why when I come home to my family I let my guard down a bit/lot and turn into the crankypants that I do, where I don't want to have to please anyone but me!

I have grown in the last few days. On Wednesday, someone I thought was a friend and who I trusted betrayed me and did something so hurtful it literally took my breathe away. There was nothing I could no. Thursday someone who I respect and admire greatly spoke some gentle, wise words to me and made me feel so hopeful. Thursday night I went to the one who had betrayed me and said, "I care about you. I want you to be okay. I don't want you to be hurt." Then I went "home" - it wasn't my home but I went to where Andrew was. He is home to me. I ranted and I cried and I laughed and we argued briefly (we're very intense people you see) and then we laughed a lot more and drank wine and then some and then we hit the bed at 2.00am because, like a naughty child, I didn't want to go to bed. I wanted to stay up late and play as though I no more responsibility in my life than to just have fun. I was so wound up and I insisted that he stay up late too. Friday morning we woke up saying, "Ooooh" and "Owwww". I raced home, showered and amazingly, felt fine! I raced to the station and waited for the train to take me to my last day. Before the train arrived I looked up and Andrew was on the platform opposite me. He smiled, waved and blew me a kiss. He's beautiful. And so sexy....yum.

The last day. I worked. I wrote training manuals. I put together information for the person who will be taking over some of my assignments. Being a people-pleaser and a total freak about "details" I covered everything. I think. I totally ignored that I was a 'little tired' from the night before. There was a presentation which made me feel self conscious and uncomfortable. I smiled my way through it and managed to say a few words without getting teary. I was all cried out anyway. I had a few small cards/gifts to give to people who I wanted to tell how much I appreciated their support and encouragement in my time with them. I took in a big cake (the majority of the staff there are women and we all love cake!). I said Goodbye so many times that I was losing my voice. Then, at 6.18pm I stopped. I hurriedly cleaned out my desk. I donated some of my "stuff" to others (distributing my collection of little ceramic cherubs, silly little stuffed animals and the collection of animal magnets) around the now unoccupied workstations. I shut down my computer system, did a last minute check of the work directions I was leaving behind and left. (Not before noticing that the back area of my work station needed dusting but there just wasn't time! It really bugged me leaving that dust there!) I switched off the lights in my section - leaving the office in darkness and exited. Down in the elevator and out the door...

Monday I start my new job. I cannot give details other than to say it involves legal support work in a huge undertaking by this state to do something for people who were state wards as children and are now state wards in the system. It is an area that I am passionate about and am so honoured now to be involved in an organisation whose mission it is to really do something to change the system. It's not about the money, it's about being able to contribute and not feel as frustratedly helpless anymore.

I was sexually abused as a child and I know how it can destroy you. I was/am one of the luckier ones. I had a family and people who loved me. They still do. I survived. I am not a victim.

We live in a society that has it's wonderful elements and it's darker, negative aspects. There are always going to be people out there who do harm. We're never going to be able to "fix" that. There are also children out there, in the system and on the streets now who I know we must help and protect. There will be more children coming into the system all the time and if things don't change now, the future looks pretty bleak for our society.

There are people in our society now suffering because the state took them as children and placed them in foster homes/institutions where they were not nurtured, cared for or loved. Many - so many it's shocking - were abused so cruelly and inhumanely and left frightened, hurt, angry and alone. Lost people with stories that break my heart when I hear them. Many of these people come forward and tell their stories and I am just in awe of how brave they are and am reminded once again that the strength of the human spirit is miraculous.

When I walk down the streets now, I see the "street people". Really see them. They are people just like me, regardless of their circumstances.

The children living on the streets now are the hardest ones to help. They don't trust anyone. How can they? How can we expect that of them?

And you know what else? I'm sick of hearing ignorant people bleating things like "Oh, many of those kids are out there because they choose to be..." Shut tf up. You don't know that. No child chooses that sort of life if they have somewhere safe and nurturing to be. Where they experience love and encouragement and are given guidance and the opportunity to grow and develop into healthy, whole people. It is their birthright.

I'm so looking forward to taking on this new role. Every now and again I feel
self-doubt creeping in. "Am I up to this? Can I do this?". Well, I'll be finding out.

It's early Saturday afternoon and I feel relaxed and calm for the first time in quite a while. My house work needs to be attended to and I'll get to that. But just for now, I think I'll lie here quietly for a while. I'm tired, sure, but finally in a way that I know will be healed by some inner calm. My children are home, hanging out doing what they do. It's peaceful. Blissfully so.

We are so lucky.