The very long weekend

The weekend has been a long one. The children were with me until this evening. They have gone to their Dad's as tomorrow is a "student free day" at their school - as in they don't have to go to school and it's easier for him to reorganise his schedule than it is for me to change mine. So why did I pack them off with their school uniforms in their overnight bags? Because I can't think straight at the moment. Lower spine injury flaring up again and I've been treating it with sleep and frequent periods of rest.

Tonight I have succumbed to pain killers. They haven't even knocked the top off of it.

My daughter and I baked profiteroles this afternoon. We collected eggs from the hens and wandered around the yard making plans for our vegetable garden. I lazed around and read for a while, just hanging with them in the lounge while they played on the playstation. Then the three of us played cards. We cooked a barbeque which they ate, I have lost my appetite which won't kill me anytime soon, let me tell you. My son is becoming quite adept, courtesy of Andrew teaching him, at cooking on the outdoor grill - supervised of course. Last night we watched tv - all three of us in my bed. I fell asleep early again but was awake and in pain in the early hours. It's the first time in ages that it's just been the three of us. I love them so much and want to make things better for all of us.

The pain makes me irritable and prone to depression. Add to this the period from hell - this is not just bleeding, this is full on haemoraging and I'm not doing cartwheels of joy about it.

So finally some time to myself tonight. The usual round of laundry and housework.
Andrew and I are at odds again. I didn't measure up tonight so he walked out saying he didn't feel comfortable around me.
The sad thing is: I was relieved and I don't fucking care. I'm tired and I'm not feeling well and quite frankly, it makes me feel even more tired and not right when he's around.
I just want to be on my own. I just want to get through the days at work, deal with my children and have some consistent quiet living for a while.
It always seems to come down to him telling me that I'm not this and I'm too that and it makes me wonder why he doesn't take his perfect, loving, supportive self off and find someone who doesn't piss him off as much as I seem too. This can't be love. It's too brutal.

All I want is some space to get well. There's a heap of other stuff going on that I can't write about because I just can't. My children can sense that I'm not doing so well and their hugs and loves and backrubs are so kind and loving that I get quite teary. They're gorgeous, they know that within minutes I am smiling and saying "You know that Mum's do this sometimes". It was quite telling tonight when Andrew arrived (when I wasn't expecting him after a particularly unpleasant phone call last night) and my son greeted him at the door by saying "Goodbye!" The children like him a lot, he was very nice and took my daughter bowling with his daughter on Saturday, but even they have their times when they don't want to share their time with anyone. I have a very sensitive, intuitive and protective son.

There's no gentleness in any of Andrew and my dealings. Apart from putting on the smiling faces when attending social functions it just seems to be so harsh and judgmental that I think it's making me sicker.
I know what I need, I just wish that certain people around me could understand that and let me have it. I wish that Andrew could understand what I need to do to get better. Maybe he does but it doesn't seem to figure in his plans.
Right now I don't need anyone yelling at me because I don't fit their picture.

Please don't think that I am crying out for help here. I know that there are those that wish me well and those that think I should stop whinging and whining and take more proactive measures - this is just me blurting parts of it out to the great faceless internet so I don't pick up the phone and start howling.

A new week starts tomorrow and I am tenacious and have enormous reserves of strength which I can call upon. I am committed to change. I don't want to waste time sitting around on the back deck drinking, smoking and talking about it.

The time for change is now.